Moments, Optimism, and Peaches

I have so much on my mind to write about. I really should make separate entries because none of them have to do much with each other. The only linking item is Lillian of course.

So First off, Saturday night was horrendous. We were woken up by Lillian screaming crying every hour. EVERY HOUR. I am not exaggeration at all. So I was surprised when I kept my plans to go to the farmer's market with Sarah and Laura (aka my two favorite people.) I never really go with any plans to get anything, just to roam and search but I was on a mission to get local produce to make baby food and what have you. I ended up racking up! Peaches, blueberries, whole wheat sourdough bread, tomatoes, and cantaloupe! I made the peaches and some organic apples I got from trader joes into baby food yesterday. I then made homemade pesto and made tomato-cheese-pesto sandwiches on my farmer's market bread for dinner last night. HELLO!? Delicious! I plan to make a blueberry-peach cobbler sometime this week too. :)

I don't know how I was able to get so much accomplished yesterday. Part of it was probably getting out of the house. Part was Dennis taking Lily in the morning and letting me get 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Part was Sarah's wonderful personality and presence and Laura's laugh and friendship surrounding me. All of it combined to give me a fabulous day despite the night I had before.

And as the day closed, I secretly dreaded the upcoming night fall. It was a weird night. Lily had a late nap throwing off our usual schedule of her eating dinner at 6 and then starting our bedtime routine. We did end up getting her dinner in (peaches, green beans and carrots) and then I let her play for awhile since her nap was so late. I just decided to push back bedtime and went to make our dinner. After we ate, we did our bedtime routine. I was prepared to battle breastfeeding and ultimately give in, read her a book and start all over with the battle. We did end up struggling a bit with breastfeeding. I have realized when she prefers the right breasts over the left. I can feed her off the left if she's really hungry or half asleep, otherwise it's the right. Weird. I know.

Anyway, I was very proud of myself. She threw a tiny fit with my left breast and instead of getting frustrated and flustered I calmly sat her up, talking to her, sang to her and then switched to the other side. She responded in kind. She was calmer, more relaxed and was able to drift off to sleep much easier.

And so brings on my "moments" part of the title.

I was having a moment. I stopped and thought, when was the last time I wasn't frustrated, almost in tears, wishing she would hurry up and go to sleep so I could eat/clean/sleep/bathe, etc. So I soaked it up. I opened up all my senses and really focused on the moment.

The smell of her lavender baby shampoo which will always be my favorite.

The feel of her tiny fingers stroking my hand.

The sound of her breathing slowing down.

And the sight. Gosh that sight. I just wanted to capture it in my mind and never let go. Looking up at me with her gorgeous sleepy eyes with so much love and trust.

So, I did what any mother would do. I cried. I held her close and I cried and thanked my lucky stars and rocked her extra long last night.

And you know what she did? She slept all night long. Of course I had to get up and feed her every 5 hours which is really only once a night. I got up at 3am to feed her. Then at 6:30 to give her her medicine and fed her while she was up and she slept until 7:30am. I just got done putting her down for a nap now too (10am) I am amazed. No waking up to a screaming, crying baby. I got sleep last night. Uninterrupted sleep! And I slept (unlike my husband who said he constantly went to check on her since she wasn't waking us up!)

So now of course Dennis and I are just waiting for tonight, knowing in the back of our minds that this wonderful night just cannot be repeated. That we are going to be up every hour again.

When did I become so damn pessimistic? I used to be so optimistic! Which got me thinking that in my mind I am constantly thinking about "jinxing" myself. For example, I should not tell Dennis that I successfully put Lillian down for her first nap because she will just wake up crying and not nap.

How is that logical? Life does not work that way! I have noticed that I do this A LOT. I mean, with almost every action I do or thought I have, I make sure I'm not jinxing myself. And sure, sometimes I do it anyways just to see what will happen. But I have go to STOP thinking like this. I need to start trusting that things will happen the way they are supposed to happen. My thoughts do not have the power to change things like that. So I am going to constantly be on the look out for my thoughts and actions and try to prevent myself from worrying about jinxing things.

I am going to be optimistic again.