hodgepodge

Part of me wants to vent. Part of me wants to rant. Part of me wants to just write and see what comes out. So as always, bear with me.

And now I'm sitting here on the nursery floor with Lillian making all kinds of random noises, shuffling her feet and playing with a pillow behind me. My fingers are hovering over the keys and I just don't know where to start? Starting with the new baby food I've made today seems so trivial. But it is there I will start so I can at least get it out of the way.

I pureed up mangoes today! I don't think they were as ripe as they could be. They aren't super sweet but I did steam them in hopes that it would break down the sugar and fibers better. I also pureed up bananas. Lily has had bananas before but I can never break them down enough for her so she won't gag on them. So now we have a whole bunch of frozen pureed bananas and mangoes.

And I guess this brings me to something sod related. I've been reading and reaching out to people with sod and similar conditions. I joined a couple of groups on facebook and found one woman with a 10 month old son who has panhypopituitarism and has to give all the same medicines we do. That was a huge relief and we've been sharing information back and forth. Anywho, I recently read up on some eating habits babies/children with sod have. There was a whole thread about it in one of my groups and it seems that most of the children have a textural problem and thus gag on any foods that aren't pureed. I mean, I'm talking about 3-4 year olds here that are still eating baby food. So, here I go thinking about the last time I gave her bananas that were pretty well mashed up but she still would gag on them. And then I'm thinking, is this a normal baby thing? And back then I thought, yes. Yes, relax, she's just not ready for finger foods yet. She's just not ready for anything more than pureed foods. And now I'm having to do that damn second guessing again. Maybe this isn't normal. And my damn brain is playing it back and forth. Well, maybe it's partly normal and we'll just try something chunkier in a week or two and see. I hate it. I hate second guessing myself and her. I hate wondering what's normal and what's sod.

And another food/sod related thing that I have to ask endo is about the salt. Is she always going to have to watch her salt intake to the point of never eating "normal" foods? I keep reading these people on my baby boards that give their baby what they eat (baby led weaning here.) And I can't help but be a tiny bit jealous because one, Lillian would gag on it! And two, there would be too much salt in our food to give to her. So could we ever do that?

And now that I'm on a roll, let me vent for a minute. THRUSH. I hate you. We had it GONE. She was nursing better, sleeping better and overall....better. No patches in her mouth, no tingly/itch for me. So why bring this up? Because it's back. Again. Or maybe it never truly was gone all the way? But I see white patches on her cheeks again today and tingly feeling when I'm nursing again. So it's back to the damn vinegar and lotramin and nystatin that we have left over. And now I have to go crazy with the antibacterial crap and cleanse everything that has been or goes into her mouth...which at this point is EVERYTHING.

I almost think she could be teething because she is putting everything into her mouth and gnawing on it. It's cute but I'm not looking forward to the other symptoms of teething. But it'd be nice to get some teeth or that gummy little mouth of hers. Though, I'm sure I'll take that back the first time she bites me while nursing. Which actually, come to think of it, she has been biting me already while nursing the past couple of days! Little stinker.

Ah, already this writing is helping me unwind, unload and put things perspective. I was on my way to cranky town before I started writing.

Something new we are going to try this week...or that I am going to try this week is to start spacing out feedings at night again. Ideally I would like to put her down around 7-8p with a small nursing, enough to get her to sleep. Then get her up at 10pm to nurse and take her medicine. Then go the whole night (unless she wakes up and needs me) and then get her up at 6am for medicine and nursings.

So tonight I am going to try 6 hours. Last night I got her up at 3am, after 5 hours of not nursing, and she was so out of it. I HATE waking her up from a sound sleep just to nurse when I know she probably doesn't need it anymore. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping the thrush doesn't get so nasty that it messes up her sleep again.

And the last thing to vent about is my poor husband. He has a headache today so I'm trying not to be annoyed or mad. But really, he needs to go to work. It's GREAT that he gets to work from home so much. He helps out a lot when he can. I'm able to take a shower or nap when Lily naps (but without the monitor!) But honestly, I need some ME time. Or at least some me and Lily time without him around. I mean, we're never apart anymore except for when he goes into work which lately is like once a week. He just doesn't understand but really, it's good when he goes and we're apart for what, 7 hours? Then I won't get so easily annoyed all the time!!!

Okay. Thanks for letting me write, vent, and just unload for a few minutes. I have some cute pictures of Lily I will try and find some time to put up later. She is now into crinkling up her cute little nose when she smiles!! It's adorable!! :)

But now it is time for medicine, a second attempt for an afternoon nap for Lily and then I can go through her toys and wipe off all the thrushy germies that I can.