Bad Mommy Breakdown

I need to make a confession.

I have been a bad mommy.

I can make all kinds of excuses [I'm so exhausted. I haven't had a break. We have no routine. etc.]

But there really isn't excuse for yelling at my poor daughter when she doesn't want to nap (when I think she should nap.) I feel horrible. And since I am being honest, I also have to admit that there were a few times that my grip even tightened on her in absolute frustration. That's when I just started crying. No, bawling.

I had another breakdown.

I practically threw Lily Belle at Dennis. Yelled at my mom "I'm leaving!" got in my car and drove to my best friends house. She listened to me rant and then handed me a bowl of ice cream. I felt immediately better just getting out of the house. Just getting away from Lily and Dennis, as bad as that sounds.

I was only gone about an hour or two but it made me feel so much better. And that night my mom watched Lily while Dennis and I went to a movie [inception, SO good!] and both spent some time away from the baby. AND [thank GOD for my mom!] mom even watched Lily that night. Well, I am being honest here - I had another mini breakdown *two in one day!* and just cried again to my mom and sister, poor girl just stopped by to say hi, and here I am bawling my eyes out, "I understand why some people shake their babies!!" (I of course do not condone violence, especially child abuse, but when you are at the breaking point with your sanity you see things differently! And no, I did not shake Lily!) So I finally got Lily down to sleep and my mom took the monitor, practically poured me into a hot bath and then forced me to sleep until Lily needed to nurse.

And you know what? She actually slept and so did Den and I. I got up and nursed her at 2am and again at 6am and she actually went back to sleep both times without fussing.

So, I have come out of my slump. Slowly. And I'm not entirely clear but I am de-slumping myself...with help.

And thank God for Jill, who makes me feel normal and sane. She makes sure I know that I am not the only one going through things like this, or who think badly about their babies when they are at the wits end. We went to the library for Baby&me story time (another GREAT excuse to get out of the house) and that was really fun. Something new and a great way for Lily to see other babies and "socialize."

Along with Babbling, Lily is working hard at trying to crawl. She is up on her forearms and knees and rocking. She can propel herself forward but is much better at pushing herself backwards. She is attempting, slowly, at getting up on her hands and knees. She is also working on sitting up. Again, this is slowly coming along but the past two days she has sat up on her own (without tripoding!) for a couple of seconds each time. And today at story time she sat up without fussing or any problems for a few seconds. I think she's just a bit stubborn when I try and make her sit for a bit so when she's not thinking about it I try and sit her up and she seems to do better with that.

I also believe that Lily might be teething. I don't see anything yet on her gums but she is chewing on everything, refusing to eat much at solid-eating times, and she is constantly chewing on her sippy cup spout instead of chugging non stop. I hope she is teething. Maybe that is another reason that she is not sleeping well?

Speaking of, we have not been able to go 6 hours at night. Not due to her blood sugar, but because she wakes up too often at night and I just end up nursing her back to sleep since I'm up anyways. Oh well, I will still keep trying and one night we will do it! And then sometime we will go 10pm-6am with no problems!

So quick SIL drama story. Boy oh boy is there drama. It does not deserve to have a post of it's own. I won't go into ALL the horrible, selfish, rude things that she did on Saturday. The most disgusting thing she did: she was ON something. Some kind of downer drug and ended up PASSING OUT on our couch - sitting up - for 3 freaking hours. This woman is a mother of a wonderfully bright almost 3 year old little girl. She is just worthless and throwing away every opportunity that people practically place into her lap.

Worst part is, she's coming tonight to stay across the street with our aunt so she will be here. And now, I have to tell her that I do not want her to hold my daughter. If I had it my way I would never allow her to step foot in my house, let alone be AROUND my daughter. But family is family and you can't simply write them out of your lives even when they mess up so many times. I hope to be able to forgive her one day soon but for now I will have to be straight with her next time she asks if she can hold Lily. I need to step up and speak for Lily since she cannot speak for herself and would go to anyone (when does that stranger anxiety kick in!?!) We'll see how this goes and how much of an attitude she cops when I let her know this. Maybe it'll show her how low she's really sunk?