Love

Tomorrow my good family friend, almost like a sister-kind of friend, Lauren, is having her baby shower. She is having a boy, Nolan, and has asked everyone to bring books instead of cards. I wanted to buy her my all time favorite "The Night You were Born" but Target didn't have it...again. So I got her the next best thing, "Love you Forever." I opened the book and immediately felt my throat close up.

Note: I do not own this book because of this very reason.

I just tried to give the cliff notes version to Dennis and started crying. I cannot read this book without bawling my eyes our, hugging my daughter and just wishing that there was another way I could convey my love to her.

And so, I stared at this book and thought about what I would write in it (since we're using it as a card too.) What profound words would I want her to see each time she picked up this book to read to Nolan? And the only thing I could think of (because I am not witty and really, this book is not for witty sayings!) was, "Prepare yourself for the best and biggest love you will ever experience." I of course have not written this yet because I am still trying to find a better way to say what I mean.

How do you explain to someone the love you feel for your child? How can you explain how different you feel with just a positive pregnancy test? The hopes and dreams that seem to finally be coming true?

How can you paint the picture of waiting months and months to finally have this baby safe in your arms? To nuzzle that soft head of hair, to breathe in that new baby scent. How can you even try to put into words the way your heart expands and this new life fills up every single space in it? 

It's like you've been waiting your whole life for this one person to complete you. Like every trial and hard time you've been through was to better yourself for this child. To teach this child. To love for this child.

How do you explain the fear? The mind numbing panic that you will somehow screw all this up. That this new life was placed in your care and that you are responsible for every tear, every scraped knee, every broken heart and every obstacle.
But that somehow that love, that amazing love that you have in your heart pushes the panic out of the way and reminds you that you can do this, that this baby was made for you and you for her. That the fear is not scary, but it makes you a better person, a better parent.

I don't know how to put down on paper the love that you experience for your new child. If people could explain it they would probably scare everyone away from having children! It is a strange and scary love. A love that you would lay your life down for, that you would change your lifestyle and your whole life for. A love that consumes your time and energy and yet makes you so happy and loved in return. It is the most rewarding love. It is what makes the family.