A Hodgepodge of Thoughts

I'll start this post off by saying that it is my time of the month so this might get emotional and definitely personal. Turn back now if you want to!! (* But I also go into something pretty deep that I've been keeping to myself these past few months...!)

I found out weeks ago that I have endometriosis. I had been having pain in my C-section scar, what I thought was just scar tissue. It was painful but nothing that interfered with day to day life...until Lily Belle jumped on my stomach one day! I doubled over in pain and finally called the doctor. She did an exam and felt an abnormal spot by my pelvic wall and ovaries so she ordered an ultrasound. I had to wait a whole month to get in for an ultrasound! I was so worried. Cancer? Scar tissue? Something worse? Nothing?
The ultrasound showed nothing out of the ordinary which led my OBGYN to conclude that I had developed endometriosis. It has since been confirmed since every month when I get my period I feel it 50x worse than I would on a normal day. From the research I've done and talking to my doctor, there doesn't seem like much research has been done on endometriosis. I had asked if being pregnant had jump started this and my doctor said not likely but the more research I did, the more it looked like perhaps having a c-section could have caused this. Perhaps some of my uterine cells were transferred to the area around my scar (where the worst of my pain is) and it just flourished there.

It's a pain I can live with. It's annoying and uncomfortable and sometimes scary because it reminds me that not all is well and healthy down there. It scares me to think about a higher level of ovarian cancer in women that have endometriosis. It scares me to think about the possibility of infertility in women that have endometriosis.
Ah. It makes me want to try for baby #2 now! It doesn't help that I have baby fever badly right now. I try to remind myself that financially this is not possible. And how if we had another baby I would never have a moment to myself. But my heart just says we would have 9+ months to figure this out financially and really, who needs time to myself when I  have a snuggly baby and a sweet toddler? And of course my mind comes back to say, that sweet toddler is not always sweet and it'll probably get worse. And what if something is wrong with baby #2? Could I handle the responsibility of Lily's medications and still be intuned with her enough to know when she needs to go in for sodium tests or needs a stress dose? And my mind counters, of course! You would make it work! That's what you're good at!

So, obviously I am warring with myself.

Constantly.

But all the warring is stupid because Dennis isn't on board with baby #2 yet. He wants to stick with our agreement to try next summer, which of course makes sense. But part of me says, hello, we said we'd try when Lily was 18 months and that has come and gone! And I know he stresses financially and thinks that I don't, but I do! It just doesn't stop my heart from thinking we can do this if we wanted to.
And that's the crux of it. If we wanted to. I don't want to push Dennis into something his heart isn't feeling yet.
But it's so hard when I see him with Lily or I take a moment to breathe when we're all together reading LB a bed time story. (more wars, right!? Are you getting dizzy yet?) And then there's another part of my debate that I don't want Lily to be a single child for so long that she is confused and hurt when baby #2 comes along. I see my two brothers together, 2 years apart, and want my children to be like them! Playing together and causing mischief. Ryan learns SO much from Andrew and I want baby #2 to be able to learn so much from my genius, Lily.

I just wish we didn't have to worry about the what if's. What if the endometriosis makes it so it takes so long to get pregnant? What if we have trouble with this pregnancy? What is the baby isn't healthy? What if Lily isn't healthy when baby #2 comes?

I know. I know. Everyone has these thoughts. I just feel like we're more aware of what could go wrong than most because that's our life! That's what we deal with.

* Not a day goes by that I don't think about Lily and what could happen. Not a MOMENT goes by when I'm not with her that I don't think someone is going to call me or yell for me because she's having a seizure or won't respond or is crashing. I get so panicky when I'm not with her. I get so panicky when she gets that far away look in her eye while we're riding in the car. My heart seizes up anytime Dennis yells "Allie!" for me when I'm in the shower or in a different room and he's with Lily, thinking that this is the time when we have to race to the hospital and just hope and pray that we are quick enough. Oh god. I'm gonna cry. But it's so true. When Lily is with my mom and she calls me, my heart is in my throat when I answer thinking that I'll have to figure out how to get to her as fast as possible. And what if I'd been drinking? Or didn't answer my phone?! Or I was too far away to get there in time!? THIS is what goes on in my mind every.single.day. I'm not being dramatic or over exaggerating when I say that not a day - no, not a moment goes by that this is not in the back of my mind....

Which leads me to my lately rant.... It makes me SICK that people can just pop out babies that don't want them, or can't afford them, or wish it was a different gender, or have 19 perfect babies, or 8 babies at once. It makes me sick that a mother can smoke or do drugs or starve herself and still have a perfectly healthy baby. It breaks my heart that people that desperately want a baby cannot have one. It makes me breakdown inside that people are blessed with a baby and then he or she is taken away too soon.
*sigh*
I have a lot running around in my head lately.