Question 2

Question two in the 30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me is...

Describe three legitimate fears and how they became fears:

I debated on this one. Should I be funny [spiders, the dark, zombies!] Or serious? And I chose serious, because those are the deep ones that really matter and show you what kind of person I am.

1. Losing my family. This is one that steals my breath, that makes my heart physically hurt. This is that one fear that makes me feel like I would just.shut.down. I can't even think about it because it makes my head spin. If I ever lost my husband or my baby...there is no greater fear in this world than that.

2. Never having another baby. It might seem that infertility and babies and pregnancy are on my mind these days but this has been a fear of mine since Lily's diagnosis. I remember when the doctors touched on the small fact that what Lily had might be genetic, hinting that having another baby may be dangerous. I remember sitting in the hospital garden and my heart breaking, whispering to Den, "I won't ever be pregnant again." which he replied with, "One is enough." and my crazy, heartbroken, strangled voice said, "Not for me!" and he simply said, "We will adopt." (I have never loved my husband more than at that moment, by the way.)
After we found out it wasn't genetic, it was a matter of "what if's." Now that we were part of the special needs world we were much more aware of what could go wrong with a pregnancy and birth. Luckily we both decided it was all worth it.
And, now, here we are battling the beginnings of infertility and I am back to that fear that I will never be pregnant again.

3. And my last fear is another seizure. I guess it's my boogie man still. My heart stops every time Den yells, "Allie!" when I'm in the shower, even when it's just to tell me he's running out to get some milk or something. I put it in the back of my mind every time I go to work. I have to deal with it every time I drop her off at pre school. This could be the time that her blood sugar drops and she has it. Or this is the time she has an adrenal crisis.
And a huge fear of mine is that I won't be there to help. That it will happen when I'm at work, or she's at school or I'm out with friends. I have studied, and read up, and prepared for the day something bad might happen and it scares the bejeesus out of me that I might not be there to act fast and help, that I'll have to hear about it from someone else, that maybe it would lead back to fear #1.

*shivers*

Seriously. Deep fears up in here. But legitimate. And personal. And scary.