STRESS.
Today I had a regular ole check up to make sure my blood levels (iron, cholesterol, thyroid, etc) were in balance and that nothing was too off. I had been experiencing some symptoms of a thyroid problem with peeling nails, hair falling out and gum bleeding. I'm also always tired but like I told the doctor: I have a three year old.
The blood work all came back "excellent" as well as my body fat/weight and I assured her of my diet and water intake. I explained the 15 months of trying to have a baby and the toll it's been taking on me (slowly but steadily) and she passed me a pamphlet for a conception specialist -thanks. a lot.
5 minutes later she smugly smiled at me and said,
"I think you're just stressed."
Really? You think I'm stressed? Thanks. I didn't need a freaking doctor to tell me that. Show me someone in this messed up world that is NOT stressed. And then she did something crazy: She patted me on the shoulder and said, "Good luck. I can't wait to hear how this goes. You could even be pregnant right now."
Gahd. I had to hold myself together with a sticky smile while checking out. I immediately burst into tears when I got in my car (because the truth is: I FEEL pregnant. My SOUL is SET on me being pregnant this month. My motto is, "it has to happen, so WHY NOT this month!?" But I caved and took a test yesterday and today and both were negative.) But, you put a little spark in my heart and I ran off to buy FIVE more pregnancy tests....and a bag of chips.
So thanks oh-wise-doctorNP, for telling me what I already know.
For the record: I was very ZEN about this whole thing from the get go but my patience is running low, my heart is hurting and I feel so very, very defeated. Maybe I am making myself sick with all this wanting...but for now I will go and do some yoga and try my hardest to tuck this away.
I know the waiting sucks. Have you talked to a specialist yet? Sorry in advance if I missed that post...
ReplyDeleteIt took us two years for Lily and it turned out that my tubes were messed up. I had to have one of them removed but the other one just needed a cleaning out. The remaining one wasn't great but I got pregnant with Lily the first month after my surgery. We got pregnant with Coop without even trying. I say all that because sometimes the solution to not getting pregnant is an *easy* one. I wouldn't call my two surgeries easy but things happened quickly after I knew what was wrong...
I mean I know about your endo surgery but was that just your ob or have you been to a fertility specialist?
ReplyDeleteWe had some initial testing done last month that came back normal so were labeled with an "unexplained infertility" since the endo was cleared out. The OB offered to send us over for to a specialist but my husband and I didn't feel ready for it just yet. But, I've talked to a few friends that have gone to the same specialist and they said it helped not only get them pregnant, but take some of the stress off them. Sounds like what I need and I'll definitely be giving them a call if this month is a bust. Today was just a bad day and it all came crashing down. I needed to vent and I appreciate having friends like you know what I'm going through and support me through this. Thank you.
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