Don't ask me if I'm okay.

So we got our 4 month check up moved up to this morning per our doctor's request. It was overwhelming, scary, sad, and frustrating.

There is A LOT of information being given to us and no clear answers as of yet so bare with me when I try to explain all of this as best I can.

We had to get some more blood work done yesterday and it showed that her liver enzymes were elevated and her liver proteins were low. This is pretty scary, though the levels that they are at now are on the very, very low-scary side right now but basically it's already showing some liver damage that is hopefully reversible.

The bad part is is that we do not know what is causing all of this still. We're having to do lots of tests to eliminate everything. We had another ultrasound today to look at her anatomy to make sure everything is okay and to look at her bile ducts. We also had more blood tests to check and see if there is an infection - which would actually be best case scenario since that would be easily treated.

The next step is to get her on medication for 5 days so that they can do a hida scan Thursday morning which will look inside her liver at the bile ducts in there. They have to rule out a blocked bile duct. The GI specialist doesn't think that's what it is but again, we have to rule it out. Process of elimination...

After we get all the information back from the tests we will then meet with the GI specialist and their team which will probably include a nutritionist - she is not gaining weight which our pediatrician thinks might be not because she's not getting enough to eat, but because her liver cannot process the protein as well as it should be. She's only gained 5oz since her 2 month check up. She now weighs 9lbs 5oz and now I'm so sick of people saying that my girl is "so tiny" because now we know there is a reason behind it.

Dennis and I are holding up pretty well considering all that's been dropped on us the past few days. I'm a wreck if anyone asks me if I'm okay. I think that if I focus more on Lillian and the future and not think about my feelings, I can hold it together. But when I get a quiet moment - like tonight while nursing Lillian before bed, I quietly broke down. It reminded me of when all this was bad in the beginning. I would just stand in the shower, cry my eyes out and even though I'm not a very religious person, I would pray like I have never prayed before.

So any good thoughts and/or prayers would be greatly appreciated!