Chosen

My friend Kate, who has a daughter with a similar condition, told me once that she felt God had chosen her to be Madeline's mother. I didn't really understand her at the time she told me. I was still reeling from the news of our diagnosis and under the pressure of the unknown. She had some very valid points as to why she felt she was chosen and they all made sense. And, at the time, all I could think was, Why me then? I don't have any special qualities, and nothing in my life shaped or prepared me to deal with this, like Kate. Maybe he/she/it/they got it wrong?

Wow. That's a depressing thought. But that's truly what I felt. Why me? And thus brought on the feelings of anger towards mother's that don't take care of themselves or their children yet come out with perfectly healthy babies and the easiest times with things. I was so angry. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs while pregnant. I ate healthy, I worked part time and stayed off my feet. I did everything right and somehow it wasn't good enough? Yet, for example - and a very personal one - my sister in law could smoke her entire pregnancy, and afterwards, and have a healthy little girl with not one problem. It makes me sick to think that way. And I feel ashamed writing it out, but I have to admit it and get it out. (And I should say that I would never wish this on anyone, or wish that my niece, Skylor, have any healthy issues.)

Well, then I got to thinking back on Kate's words. And I think back to the 10 days in the hospital. The sleep deprivation, the constant crying of my little girl after needles, the never ending questions, even finding my daughter having a seizure in her crib. I think back on that all and I think - holy shit, how did I get through that?

And my only answer is, I am one strong mother.

Yes. This is why he/she/it/they chose me. I am strong. And I am smart. When I explain Lillian's condition to people they always tell me how well read up I am on everything. Well, one thing is, you kind of have to be, but another thing is - I have no control over it except to know it, inside and out. Knowledge is my power.

So he/she/it/they did not get it wrong. They chose the right mother. They chose me because I am strong enough to take care of her when she is sick. I have enough love in my heart. I have a wonderful husband and family to help support me and to help provide her with the BEST life possible despite all the bumps in the road.

Another friend of my, Kristen, pointed out something amazing to me too. It puts a whole new perspective on things. Her boyfriend was saying how we didn't deserve to have this happen to us. You know the line, "They're such good people. They don't deserve something like this." And Kristen simply said, "Yes, You're right. They don't deserve it but Lillian deserves to have parents like them."