2010

I am so over 2010. I am ready to put it behind me, to start fresh, to turn over a new leaf.

2010 was probably our worst year ever. I guess I could go through and hop from bad experience to worse experience (and I want to, actually) but, I think it's more important to try and look at things from a positive view. For example, Take the biggest thing that happened to us in 2010: Lily's diagnosis. Everything that led up to it and everything that came after it. I had my heart broken, over and over. I had my sanity tested. I had my marriage tested. I had my whole life as a mother on the line. But, I also learned so much about myself. That I can skirt the edge of sanity and be okay, that my heart will mend, that being tested will make me a better mother and wife.

The biggest thing all of it taught me?

I can do this.

It's never going to be easy. Shoot, if it's easy, look for something to go wrong. Pessimistic? Possibly, or maybe just being realistic from experience. But, I know now that the things that are the hardest part of my life are there for a reason, or at least it makes it easier to think that way. Just as it's so much more important to feel and know in my heart that I was chosen for this role because I can do this.

Let's skip over some more bad stuff and stick with the good, such as, my new friends. Having a baby, especially being the first of your friends to have a baby, can really test your friendships as well. I have learned who my true friends are this past year. Who makes an effort to see me. Who I make an effort to see. Who was there for me when shit hit the fan. Who I would want to call if or when it happens again. It's a hard lesson but it's also nice to know who your friends are. I was blessed with two very best friends who stuck by me and who may not always be able to relate to me (poop exploding diapers? gross!) but who always listen to me bitch and complain about such things.

And I also was blessed with a whole new set of friends. I call them my mommy friends ;) It's an apt name. Most I was introduced to in Library Playgroup (I capitalize because it's very important to me haha) These women are amazing and they can relate to such things as 3am wake up calls and teething. Although they cannot relate about SOD and medications, they can sympathize and they are a wonderful shoulder for me.

Which also brings me to Kelsey and Kate. They get their own paragraph because they were so, very important to me in 2010.

Where to start? Kate. Geez. My mom and I talked about this the other day. Kate was able to write to me when we found out about Lily's diagnosis and said the most important thing I ever needed to hear, "Right now is the worst it's going to be." She was letting me know that things can only go up from unanswered questions, the unknown and the scary medical terms. And she was right. And she was so wonderful to tell me that at the time. It's what I needed to hear. And she wrote to me almost everyday for weeks while I complained about the scary unknown and the medical terms and the meltdowns I would have. She was the light in this whole terrifying ordeal.

And then came Kelsey, my panhypopituitary mommy. You never know how alone you feel until you find that you don't really fit in anywhere with your problems and concerns (blood sugar? seizures? fever and vomiting?) And I did feel oh so alone. Moms understand the fear and the responsibility I had but couldn't exactly relate especially when it came to medications and such. And then I found Kelsey who's son also has panhypopituitarism (was born without a pituitary gland) like LB and was on the same exact medications as Lily. I finally had someone I could bitch and moan to, She screamed about the shot again tonight and someone with advice and answers, Trying taking the shot out 15 minutes prior to injecting, it works for my son! And someone to write to when I was at my breaking points with all kinds of mommy worries (weight, blood sugar, medications, money.) It gave me a friend in scary times. Someone to hold my hand and say, "We're there too. You're not the only one dealing with this. You're not alone."

And so. 2010 was a bad year. But, it had it's silver linings as well and even in the bad times, I found my light.

And for 2011 I plan to try and find the light in all things and in all situations instead of looking back and finding it. I want to grasp that light when it's happening. We'll see if that happens? Sometimes I allow myself to wallow in the dark for a bit, which is totally acceptable, but maybe while I'm there I can pick my head up, look around and find something worth learning while I'm down.

Also, my actual resolution for 2011? To eat at the dinner table more often than not. I've already started it and so far, so good!

Happy New Years Eve!