Gemini

For those of you who do not know, I am a true gemini. I always feel at war with myself. Two separate sides of me that cannot agree.

Allie vs. Mom
Stern Mom vs Fun Mom
Get through the day vs Embrace the day

It's the last one that has been bothering me the past few days. Actually, ever since I wrote Mirror, Mirror I've been thinking about it. I like my overall message, to make the day better. It's my goal each and every day and it really does help.
You might think I'm being wishy washy but I put some more thoughts into my early morning wake up calls.

Why must I accept that 4am is okay? That this is my new normal? That this is acceptable?
Because it's not.
I don't feel like because Lily Belle has special needs that I cannot have some normalcy. And what is more normal, and more healthy, than getting good sleep?
I cannot force myself to go to sleep before 10 every night. I cannot always be okay with getting up at 4am. In fact, I rarely, if ever, feel okay with getting up before 6 and I think that is totally normal. I think I'd be feeling a bit fake if I was honky dory with getting up before the sun every damn day.

I was laying in bed last night at midnight willing myself not to cry or pull my hair out while I listened to LB cry. She had gotten up at 10:30 crying (wet pajamas, of course) so I went in and gave medicine and what not and laid her back down. The moment I was out the door she was back up crying. I did this 3 times in a span of 30 minutes.
I kind of lost it last night. Ranting about how nothing is easy with her (this is a normal rant for me) and how we need to just let her figure out sleep on her own - because we've been laying down on the floor with her to get her to sleep.
And of course, there is another war with  myself. Do I do the "easier" thing that works for us now or do I do the "right" thing so I won't have to break a habit later? And of course, who is someone else to tell me that the easier and the right thing are not the same thing?! Maybe laying down with Lily is what she needs and as her mother I need to give her that.
Motherhood has be constantly questioning myself every two seconds. It's so exhausting.

Anyway, Daddy ended up getting LB back to sleep last night as I cried myself to sleep.
I was then woken up at 3 to more crying. She had rolled off the mattress.
I calmly put her back to sleep and was back in bed 15 minutes later.
Back up with her at 4.
Warred with her in the guest room until 5:30.
And now here we are and I am so #!*^& frustrated and tired and I'm just not sure where to go from here.

I know that this is not a phase. I hope that this can be fixed, that this is not my life, that I do not have to accept this.