Mommy Prayers

I was laying wide awake in bed last night with the line from The Help running through my head,

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." 

I could write a whole entry on that one line itself but my mind traveled somewhere else entirely. I almost hopped out of bed so I could write it down, knowing that I wouldn't get it right today/tonight but sleep slowly took over. But I drifted off with heavy thoughts of babies and God.

Lordy, Lord. I said it. Babies. And. God. 

What started this? You're probably wondering how I got from The Help line to babies and God but I don't know that I even know that myself.  Perhaps it was because I was thinking about Lily and how I try to tell her everyday how important she is to our family. How loved she is. How she is literally my heart, my whole heart. How brave and bright she is. How very, very proud I am of her.

And then my crazy, almost sleep induced brain started thinking of my baby fever. Gosh, I could write another whole entry on my baby fever but I won't.

But it brought back memories that I probably buried. Memories before I was pregnant with Lily of how much I really yearned for a baby. I should note that we did not have to try so hard but my heart still ached with each negative test, each period I got, and worse, when I still got negative results but no period! 

And this brings me to God. If you've been reading for awhile you know my stance on God and religion. I believe. I am faithful. I am respectful. I know that there has to be something more but for the life of me, I don't know what that is. I don't believe I can find that in a book. I believe I can find it within myself, or my daughters smile, or kindness from a stranger. 

Pre-LB, I rarely prayed unless someone was hurt or sick or asked me to. But I clearly remember praying for Lily. For a baby. I remember bargaining with God, as we often do, "If you give me a baby, I will not ask you for anything else." Crazy, right? Because we're human and we're always wanting and asking for more. But I had wanted a baby so long, and I knew that this would complete my heart, my family, my life, that I was certain I could do this. I could promise God that I would not ask for anything else if he blessed me with a child.

Boy, was I wrong. 

Maybe this should be my official apology to God. Or maybe God is sitting somewhere up there laughing at my bargaining and thinking, "She'll see. Having this child will only make her ask for more." And what did I do the moment I was pregnant? 

I prayed.

I prayed that the baby was healthy. Boy or Girl? I didn't care. Healthy was all I wanted.

And from the start when healthy wasn't on the table anymore, I prayed harder than I ever did. Remember this Gem? 

I remember, as if it were yesterday, burned into my heart and my soul, barely being able to stand in the hospital shower from exhaustion and fear. I remember crying into the shower spray and finally just looking up and saying, "Please. Please. Just let her live." 

And when she lived.

I prayed that she would have a fairly normal life. A life that was different, but normal.

And when she started hitting her milestones, I prayed that she would eat, she would walk, she would see things that they said she wouldn't see.

And now I can almost feel God smiling down at me thinking, ah, she finally understands. Becoming a mother, from the moment you decide to try for a child, you will always be praying for something better for them. You will always be praying for peace, health, strength, and happiness. You will always be praying for more. 

I was a foolish woman to bargain with God but I think he/she/it/they understand that. Maybe that's what makes me a good mother.