Out with the Honesty, My dear.

I should probably apologize for my previous post...

But, I'm not going to.

It's how I feel. It's not how I feel 100% of the time, maybe just 40% which to me is pretty good. But man, when it hits me, it just hits me so hard. And I'm sure it has to do with the stress of moving, getting all the i's dotted and t's crossed, packing and then all of the regular stress from medications (sodium's been wonky!)

I should make something clear though because it's been bothering me. Just because I'm jealous of your "normal child" and your "normal life" (I do put those in quotations because I know in my heart that no one is normal and that everyone has their own set of problems they deal with, etc etc) anyways, just because I'm jealous of that, doesn't mean I don't care about you and your normal baby and your normal baby problems. I rejoice when your child talks and walks and..well, maybe not when they eat, but really, you can only ask so much of me. But I have never once grumbled and said "ugh, He's walking!? Why isn't Lily walking!?" I don't think I've ever even thought it. And if I have, it was fleeting and I probably slapped myself on the wrist for it because that is not the way my mind or heart works.
I can deal with my anger and my hurt and my jealousy but I will not be a mean, bitter mother. That's no way to live life.

And I know I am so very, very blessed. Sometimes my anger and sadness over shadows that but there's never been a time I look at Lily and don't see how wonderful and amazing she is. And in the back of my mind, I know that it could have been worse. It doesn't make my problems today any easier but it makes me celebrate the blessing that on the wide spectrum of things, we lucked out.

And while I'm being honest,
Part of these feelings came up because I've been going back and forth about baby #2. Now listen, baby #2 is not even in the think tank yet. We're about to buy a house so we're broke - we're beyond broke. We're house poor but HEY, we're gonna be homeowners! And I also think that I want Lily's eating under control and to start tackling potty training before we consider baby #2.
So. Why these feelings now? Probably because so many of my friends are pregnant and despite all the chaos in my life right now, my poor womb is just begging to cradle life again. *sigh* But then I go back and forth between
Is having another baby fair to Lily, who needs so much attention?
Is bringing another baby into this world with so much chaos in our own life fair to baby #2? 
Can I even handle two babies?
I can barely even handle Lily's medical stuff now, how am I supposed to do it on little to no sleep again?
What if something is wrong with baby #2? (I REALLY try not to think about what if's because there is no answer, and nothing I could do regardless but when you have your first, and only baby and she has special needs, well this question is never that far from your mind, unfortunately.)


Oh man, Y'all are in for some good reads if and when I ever get pregnant again. (haha) So. I'm trying not to think about it because it is way down the road from now but it just kept sitting in the back of my mind for the past couple of days. Hormones probably. I blame everything negative on hormones...

For now though, I believe I will keep trying to live life one day at a time. The future is just a little bit too scary to think about today and honestly, I really don't need that added stress.