Personal Time Out

I kind of hinted at it in my previous post, Being Content, but maybe now is a good time to just come out with it. This is a very personal post that may contain some womenly tmi moments so just a heads up ;-)

My husband and I have been trying to have our second child for about 9 months now. I have been off birth control since October 2011 and with that came progressively worse pain, cramping, and longer cycles. Even before stopping birth control my OB and I suspected I might have endometriosis. The only way to diagnosis it is with a laproscopic surgery. All my symptoms point to it especially with my pain and symptoms getting steadily worse off birth control hormones.

I have my laproscopic surgery scheduled for this Friday. I am nervous and for insane reasons. What if they find nothing and I'm a big wuss for being in so much pain!? What if they find something and it's worse than they suspected? Or it's worse than endometriosis. Or they say that things have to come out or my chances of getting pregnant aren't good. Or what if they can't do anything to help!?

Oh my gracious. I know I shouldn't think that way but how can you not?!
Especially now that my period is almost 1.5 weeks late. 5 tests all say no to pregnancy. At first I laid them face down in the trash so I wouldn't have to see those big negative signs staring up at me every moment I came into the bathroom. But now, the last one, I deliberately placed face up as a little reality check.
The Dr thinks this is stress making my period late but I wonder if things aren't already getting worse. I've been tracking and my average cycle length is 35 days with 38 being my longest cycle. Today I am on cycle day 47.

After the surgery I will hopefully be pain free and then have the best possible chance to get pregnant. And when I look back and post about my journey it will all be worth it and just seem like a long road to baby #2,  it will just be a struggled road, nothing more! And I can tell baby #2 all about it :)

In the meantime, as my previous post has said, I am trying to be content. I'm trying to be happy for all the pregnant mommy's. Like I said before, I think it's okay to feel jealously and then push it aside to make room for the better emotions.
Hope. Love. Faith. Life.
And it's taught me a good lesson again, which is what I plan to take from it. I don't know everyone's story and I need not assume that I do.

I'm also trying to soak up Lily Belle love. Taking little moments to snuggle, to talk, to have a simple lunch together, to notice how perfect her hand fits into mine. It helps.

So, wrapping all this up, I could use some good thoughts, love, prayers, etc on Friday and beyond :)