Chosen: Revisited

At our last endocrine appointment with our new doctor I had to go over all of LB's medications which including everything: dosages, strength, times, side effects, etc. I had to go over when she eats, how much she eats, when she sleeps and how much. I had to go over everything from the beginning and when I was done the nurse just set her pen down, turned toward me and said,

"She is just so lucky to have a mother like you. You were really chosen for her." 

I, of course, sat up a bit straighter and smoothed back my hair and smiled while trying not to blush too much. It is a wonderful compliment, especially from medical personnel, to hear that I'm doing things right - that I'm doing everything in my power to make sure I'm knowledgeable, capable and prepared for anything. But at the same time it makes me really, really confused. 

Is this not what I am supposed to do as a mother? Or, is this just part of my personality and a way to cope. The fact that I need to know everything about PHP and the emergency shot and the test results from each blood test even if I don't understand the abbreviations for every single test. That I have to hold onto to these facts, these results because nothing else is in my control. 

I cannot really control her blood sugar over night (64 this morning! grrr.) or make her jump, or promise that she will never crash. But as her mother, I can check blood sugars, keep a list, report back to the doctor. I don't feel like that's going above and beyond? And I can jump for her, and show her how, and praise her when she does jump - and lands on her bum (so cute!) I definitely cannot promise she will not crash but I can hope, and pray and be vigilant when she is sick or hurt. 

I guess I just feel like so much is outside of my power and so I have to do everything in my power to do make this life a little easier for all of us. 

This post is brought to you by this gem, Dear You that I happened upon this morning from another PHP mommy. I love things like this. It just makes my morning :) And a lot of it hit home, especially these:

"You rock because you involuntarily calculate the thousand different variables in every situation and adjust for them on the fly. Because you are alert for the danger, the triggers, the anything, the everything that might turn everything on a dime. Twenty, thirty, hundreds of times a day." 

Den jokes that I check and double check [out loud] the contents of my purse before we go anywhere. 

And I pack way too many diapers. 

But when we were at a birthday party last week, we used every single diaper, the extra pair of clothes, the snack of fruit, the two cups of juice and water, the sunscreen and sunglasses and the baby wipes. 

I have to pack like that wherever we go, even if it's just for an hour. Not to mention checking the clock for any impending medicine times and packing said medicine. Leaving the house is quite a chore but I'd rather be ready for anything than have to deal with a super thirsty, wet, angry 2 year old.

"You rock because you SEE miracles in your child’s smallest victories. Because you celebrate simple successes. Because you know how hard they are won."

Walking, Running, Climbing, Kicking and now Jumping. Each was so hard won. LB just jumped for the first time two days ago. She jumped with both feet off the ground and promptly landed on her very well padded cloth diapered bum and cracked up laughing. I got it on video and my excitement and joy cannot be held back in my voice!

Next work: Stairs. She is terrified of going down our stairs again. Even blue tape on the stairs won't help :(

"You rock because you function on ludicrously little sleep.

You rock because even when you wake up convinced that you can’t, you do."

Enough said. 

And it's time like these that I really wonder who was chosen for who (whom? I never got that in school.) I wonder if I would be as good as a mother with a "regular" kid. I wonder if Lily Belle was sent to me to make me a better mother. That maybe she was chosen for me, to push me harder, to make me stronger, to open my eyes and my heart. To make me better in every aspect of my life. And I am so thankful for her every day.