It doesn't get easier

This is a little break from the pregnancy posts...but maybe being pregnant is exacerbating the circumstances a bit - being tired, hormonal, emotional.
Lily is back to waking at 4am. For the day. Again. And all I can think [and cry about] is the fact that I just cannot do this again. I cannot survive another period of "dark days" with my sanity intact. Don't remember the dark days of Allie? It was when Lily was waking up about 3-4am for months on end with no light at the end of the tunnel. This was when we turned to melatonin and it helped, slowly but surely. I feel like that time really made me question so much about myself - How I handle stress, lack of sleep, etc. It brought out the absolute worst in me and I scared myself. This is a bit dramatic, but it took a little piece of me with it, seriously, I shudder when I think of going through it again.

And then there's this blog post that's been coming back to me these days. They tell you "It gets easier." They lie.  Yes. That's exactly it.

"“It gets easier”: yeah, I suppose it does, because you figure it out, and adapt, and get coping strategies. But every time you “master” a phase—they change. Grow. Face new challenges. And you’ve got to change, grow and adapt with them."

I remember the early days of motherhood, falling into bed completely exhausted, near tears and whispering to a barely awake Dennis, "Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to be this tired? I don't think I'm supposed to be this dead tired every.single.day."
All those well meaning mothers patting me on the back and telling me that it will get easier, this phase will pass. And, It does pass, whether it's a blink of an eye or a drawn out storm, it passes. But then a new obstacle gets put in your way and you have to tackle that one, with a totally different tactic and relearn everything you thought you knew and it's hard.
That's the truth of it. This is so hard.
And every day I feel like I am failing. She watches too much TV. I yelled at her. I screamed at her. I put her time out 6 times today. I had a nervous break down and just sat on the floor and cried while she played the ipad.
That doesn't sound so easy, huh?

And I want with all my heart to be my best every day. I want so badly to be the mom that I am around strangers (because, lets be honest, we're all a little bit nicer when strangers are present.) I can do it, but it takes so much damned energy - so much patience to sit down at eye level when your 3 year old is throwing a tantrum for the fourth time and say, quietly and calmly, "I know you are tired. I'm tired too. We can make today better though." Does a three year old want to hear that?
hell no.
She'd probably wave her hands around to get me out of her face and end up hitting me and that would end in another time out.

In reality I would probably get down on eye level and in my sternest, and meanest mommy voice say, "This is why you shouldn't wake up at 4am! You're so tired that you can't even function properly!" (I actually said this...seriously.)

Parenthood takes patience and energy and when the tanks are low you have to dig real deep and remind yourself that this may not get easier, but it'll pass...and how do I want to remember it? Being the meanest, tiredest, most impatient mommy on the block? Or one that takes each day as it comes and tries her best to patient when things are tough. Though I may be tired, it doesn't mean I have to be ugly (something I say to Lily all.the.time.)
Reality check time. I'm going to turn it around. This will pass. It's going to suck and it's going to be hard and it's a little harder because I'm pregnant and exhausted, but that's not an excuse. I need to be the best mommy I can be because my daughter deserves it.

Nice pep talk. Let's see how this works.