Impatiently Waiting

I'm walking a thin line lately wanting to ride the wave of acceptance and peace and "things will happen when they are meant to happen." I have been repeating that to myself for a year. And it has worked for a year. But now that my year is over I feel like I'm stuck. I don't feel like I'm a woman with fertility issues. But in reality I guess that I am. Endometriosis would be considered a major fertility issue, even after the surgery.

The other side of the line? Being really, really pissed off. And sad. And jealous. And fed up. Counting down months and realizing that my little Belle will be closer to 4 if we have a kid anytime. Realizing that yet another month has gone by with no luck. Not even getting my hopes up anymore or buying anymore pregnancy tests. Wine takes precedence over pee sticks these days since I know which one I'll need more. I've stopped planning holidays and events around the idea that I might be pregnant by then because when those dates come and go and  I'm just me - well it's like a kick in the gut.
And I hate more than anything to be jealous of other women. I seriously loathe it but I cannot stop my emotions from coming. So again, I try to ride them out and then push them aside. But facebook is getting harder and harder to read. At least 3 friends had babies this past weekend along with 2 new pregnancy announcements. I am so happy for them and their families, don't think that I am not! But it's still hard.

For the moment I am clinging to the hope that things really will happen when they are supposed to. That perhaps we haven't been blessed yet because we need to prepare our lives for another baby financially, emotionally and physically. That this is supposed to teach me more patience. I feel like it's the only thing I can hold onto these days. I don't think about endometriosis and I really refuse to think about infertility. Instead I think about "God" and how he/she is thinking, "she's almost ready." That he/she will only give me as much as I can handle and right now maybe LB is enough. I only wish that were enough to make this bearable.