Goodnight Moon

The days that I curse SOD and mourn the life that I was "supposed" to have are becoming less and less. The medications and blood sugar checks are a part of my life and routine now. The doctor visits and therapies are just another errand, another thing to help us get out of the house. I don't fear colds or fevers anymore because I know my kid can handle it without having an adrenal crisis. 

Of course there are still days that I unknowingly watch my baby and compare her to others climbing up and down the playground with ease. There are times when I want to pull my hair out when she's up 3-4 times asking for more water. There are still times where I do mourn that life that was supposed to be mine. I'm not perfect!

And then there are times where Lily Belle completely takes my breath away and my eyes tear up and my heart expands until bursting. It's times like these where I am pleasantly surprised, taken aback, and reminded that this life that was handed to me comes with these unexpected pleasures that my "supposed-to-be-life" would never have had. 

Last night Lily Belle saw the moon for the first time! THE MOON! 

The night sky was super clear enough to show off this fingernail of a moon and when we came out of the restaurant Nana took us to we all looked up to admire it and LB pointed up and said "The moon! I see it!" 

Heart-bursting-breath-taking-pleasantly-surprised-moment.

Because I remember going to pick out a Christmas tree last year and looking up to see a big winter moon. While Den paid for the tree and got it strapped down on the car, I remember desperately pointing up at the moon and asking Lily Belle "Do you see it? That's the moon. That's what we draw on our papers all the time. That's what we say goodnight to in the book. Can you see it, baby?" And I remember, like it was yesterday, her looking the opposite directions, pointing to the sky and smiling, "yeah. See it!" And my heart sinking knowing she was just saying it to please me. And I remember walking away from the lights and noise and asking her again and again watching her brow wrinkle and look in the opposite direction of the moon and say that, yes? I see it? I remember exchanging glances with Den and sharing a sad smile and a shake of the head. Passing LB off so daddy could try and point it out, as if that would magically make her see the moon.

And now, I get to replace that memory with the first time she saw the moon - on an ordinary night, where she was fighting a sinus and ear infection, after dinner with Nana and Stacey, she looked up at the sky like we all were and pointed excitedly at the moon "Yes Mommy, I see the moon!"