Breathe

Ahhh, A moment to myself. A moment where I'm not completely exhausted, close to tears, or about to explode with anger. These moments are so few and far between these days.

I don't even know where to begin. I would recap my beach trip but in hindsight I'd rather forget about it. I mean, it was a great trip once we got a little bit of sleep and my husband and I weren't dropping F-bombs at each other. Thank goodness my mom and sister were there and offered to help out as much as they could. We did spend a day outlet shopping which is always fun. And we found out that Lily loves the pool! She had a blast. So, now I really want to find a class we can take together in the pool. I wish I could find a mommy and me water aerobics class. I'll do some more research but from what I've been looking at there doesn't seem to be too much out there.

Lily has been having trouble sleeping again. And napping. Her naps, if any, will run 30-45minutes. Today though she has been sleeping for over an hour. And you know the funny part? She actually slept really well last night. I've changed her HC medicine time from 10p, 6a, 2p to 8p, 4a, 12p and that seems to help because I can keep her up until about 730/8 and not have to wake her up after getting her down. And then I'm trying not to nurse her when she wakes up crying. I've been giving her a paci, patting her back or just getting her up and rocking her. Then waiting until 4am to feed her again. Dennis successfully put her back to sleep using the rocking/paci last night finally!

Ugh. And she has thrush AGAIN! I just noticed it yesterday. Her whole tongue is white and there's patches everywhere. So I'll have call the doctor and see if they will just call in something but I'm sure they'll want to see her which is another damn $25 down the drain plus the $10 for the medicine.

Tomorrow we have GMP coming to do the visual and developmental assessment. I'm actually pretty excited about that because I really like Dee and I'm just curious to see what they have to say. And I really want to set up the OT to come out and help with the gagging/texture foods. The pedi seems to think that's a really good idea to go ahead and get taken care of.

Overall though life has been so up and down. Night times are really hard because it's so hit or miss and it's so darn lonely at night. I always just think, "He has no idea how often I get up at night. How hard it is. How hard it is the next day!" And then I rev myself all up and just get so angry. It's so tiring. I want to ring the neck of people that told me, "It gets easier!" Uhm, WHEN!? Because for me it seems to only be getting harder!

And I was laying there thinking how much I LOVED being pregnant (I know, I'm in the minority, but I did love it) and how I can't wait to try again but then I get super anxious about dealing with another baby. Baby #2 has to be easier than this right? But, How will I juggle Lily's needs with a newborns? And how can I go through sleepless nights all over again? Because you know by the time LB starts sleeping "through the night" (I put that in quotes because it's on her terms with meds and all that) I'll have a newborn that's up every 2 hours again. It's scary, and seems so impossible.

Anyways, that's been on my mind. I've been trying to keep myself busy and trying to get out of the house with every opportunity I can which has definitely helped a lot. And friends have helped me so much. Thank goodness for great girlfriends!!

Alright. I should go get the rest of my stuff done before Lily wakes up. She's been down for over an hour and a half! Crazy. And of course she's doing this on a day that I'm actually rested enough to handle her :P Babies!