Strength and Patience

I am entering a new phase of my Project Positive. Let's dub this one "Postpartum Project Positive." Kind of like this old post from 2012, I try my very best to always be positive, it's in my nature to be optimistic. But let's be brutally honest here: lately I have not been very positive. I have been grumpy, moody, so very negative and just plain mean. I'm yelling, and crying and stomping around the house. I stopped one day and realized I am like a freaking tornado. Tornado's are not caring, fun mommy's. No they are destructive and scary and unpredictable.

I don't want to be a tornado anymore.

Lately I have been saying a daily prayer for "strength and patience." When Evelyn is non stop screaming in the car, or Lily is bumping into everything in the house, or being particularly nasty to me, or Dennis is still sleeping at 7am when I've been up for an hour and all night, I take a deep breath and repeat "strength and patience. Please, grant me strength and patience."

But this is no longer enough.

I now need to take this matter into my own hands. I need to take care of myself. I need to blast that negativity out of my life. I feel toxic and dark. I will give myself a small break and say that this is caused by a long, cold, dark winter + postpartum hormones + transitioning to being mommy of 2, etc, etc. But these excuses can no longer take over my life and give me the "oh well" mentality that I've been living the last few weeks.

So what do I plan on doing?
First off. I am exercising. 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there, a couple of squats while watching Mickey Mouse, a little bit of yoga while the kids nap. The endorphins alone will boost my positivity and the results will help my overall happiness. Yesterday was my first go at turning a scary negative emotion into a positive relaxing one. (Long story shot, Evie screamed the entire way home. My nerves were shot. My "no yelling" rule was broken. My day seemed ruined. I put the kids to bed for a nap and I took 30 minutes to myself to do a very relaxing yoga routine.) And Guess what? It worked. I was back on track. I finished my day feeling like I accomplished something, not that I just made it through another day.

Secondly, I am eating better. This is another thing I strive to do anyways. And I don't really eat really badly - but now that spring is approaching, I want and NEED to eat more fresh fruit and veggies and more vegetarian dishes. Plus, cooking healthy makes everyone feel better and trying new recipes makes me feel, again, accomplished.

---Time Out---
Total Honesty in this post. During the writing process of this post, I lost it. I turned into a tornado again. I could list excuses of why I went from trying my very best to be positive to the tornado, complete with kicking a box of toys to yelling at Evelyn for being awake to early and "ruining my morning" but I won't. Because there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. And the moment those words left my lips I just stopped. "oh, Allie." I didn't break down. I didn't cry. I picked her up, calmed her down, took a deep breath myself and I prayed for strength and patience.

And then, I forgave myself. And I started over.

This isn't about being perfect, or positive all the time, or being fake-happy. It's about being real, and being true to myself and to my emotions. (What a woman thing to say.) But really, I should feel what I need to feel and I should fix the things that maybe I shouldn't be feeling. Was there reason for me to lash out like I did this morning? No, not really. I overreacted to...nothing. And really, that is why I am doing a new project positive. I need to find my center again and to feel balanced and in control of these feelings, at least 80% of the time ;-)

Updates to come.