THE Update

I have a feeling I will hold onto this post. I will write it, and erase it, and edit it and think really hard about not publishing it. But in the end, I know I will. I am nothing if not honest about myself and my journeys.

Today I got up and baked muffins. And I straightened my hair and put on my make up very carefully. Because today I am going to talk to my doctor about postpartum depression. I want to look like I've got it together at least 50% of the time. You know, enough to care about how I look...most of the time.

And I'm scared. And nervous. And worst of all, I'm embarrassed. And I'm embarrassed for feeling embarrassed. I am a huge advocate in self help, self awareness, and speaking about depression and self harm and mental disorders. But now that it has touched my adult life I am plain embarrassed. Not because I may have PPD, but because I let it go on for weeks. Because I kept talking to people, almost hinting that things aren't right but we all came up with excuses and reasons why I'm acting the way I am (stress, lack of sleep, transition time, hormones.) And it's true, I am dealing with all of that, but it does not excuse my anger and my outbursts.
And I'm embarrassed that I waited so long to really reach out. Maybe it was because my mom was sick and when she got better, she was the one I called, the voice I needed to hear to tell me that yes, perhaps you should seek help or at least get the Dr's opinion. I needed someone to tell me that it was okay to do that. I knew I needed to. I just needed that little nudge.

I have now been on medication, a low dose of an anti depressant, for over a week and I am so happy and relieved to say that I feel so much like my old self that I could weep. I no longer have outbursts. I am not that nasty tornado. I am the mother that I try my hardest to be. I can look at my daughters and feel pride and joy and love. I feel positive and just...better. I'm not saying this is the end of PPD, if anything, this is the beginning of my road, but it feels good to acknowledge it, to treat it, and to be better.

As always, more updates to come ;-)