Testing Fear

Two weeks ago today I had my ovidrel shot. That means that tomorrow will be 14 days post ovulation (dpo) which in turn means that I could take a test. I am dreading it. I just don't know how to respond if it's negative. In actuality I am not sad or disappointed when I get a negative test. I'm not even all that heartbroken (all those emotions come later.) My first thought is:

How could I be so STUPID!? 

Y'all know I don't put myself down lightly. I don't call myself names or spend a lot of my time thinking bad thoughts about myself. And I'm not thinking I'm stupid for being optimistic. If you really know me, you'll know I am obnoxiously optimistic. I have hope and I love that I have hope still. But, my first thought when I see one line is that I am stupid. 

I feel stupid for the moments I smiled at Den this past week and said with glee, "I'm dizzy!" or when the smell of dog food made me nauseous. No the fact is, I probably stood up too fast; and that dog food just stinks in general. And all those times that I had salt and junk food cravings, vivid dreams and bigger boobs: That wasn't from two lines, it's just who you are, which is embarrassing and depressing and takes me down a little notch. So, while I have hope, and I try to silently and cautiously ignore what I think of as "pregnancy symptoms" I know that in the back of my mind I will be shaken awake from this dream of two lines and I will have to throw another test away, another one liner, another month that crushes down on me. 

I'm optimistic but man have I ever had more doses of cold reality splashed on me these past 18 cycles, enough so that I have a small seed of realism/pessimism/caution and unfortunately, a little seed of self doubt and self loathing when that seed if proven right. 

So, tomorrow, it will take some courage to take a test. And as my husband says, "If it's negative....it's negative and there's nothing you can do about it now." So logical, that husband of mine! 

I'll let y'all know when I'm ready to share....