Warring with a Pink Elephant

Before I start: Is it a pink or white elephant that people tell you not to think about? Well, in my mind it's a pink elephant - that's a nicer image, yes? No albino elephants in my head. (Well, maybe now there are...)

I've hinted at it before, I often wage wars with myself - in fact, throughout the day I am constantly arguing with myself. I swear, this does not make me crazy. I'm a gemini and I just can't help but argue both sides of a situation. But, I have to tell you, it's exhausting. And most of the time I don't come to a nice and tidy solution. I just get tired and cranky and start back at the beginning again.

What does this have to do with a pink elephant?

Everything.

Because I am trying my hardest not to think about a baby pink elephant. And everyone tells me not to think about it. To let it happen. To stop stressing. To do more yoga. To drink more wine. To stop worrying.

As always, people have a lot of advice for a situation they have never been in.

But the simple fact is, the harder I try not to think about it, the more I think about it - just like a damned pink elephant.

And, it pops into my head all.the.time. I can't control it. I can divert and ignore and move on, yes. But I can't not think about it.

Hormones aren't helping. I'm okay about 3 weeks out of the month. "Okay" as in, I think about that cute baby elephant about every 5 minutes. And I can smile and sigh and think this is going to happen when it's supposed to happen; there is a reason for this: I am growing more patient and more understanding and more humble because of this adventure.

Then comes that one week out of every month where I am a complete and utter nut case and I can't stop thinking about that just-out-of-reach-dream and I curse every possible symptom such as:
- Cramps. Bloating. Heartburn. Nausea. Headaches. (all symptoms of PMS BUT also all symptoms of pregnancy. Isn't that just plain unfair? Mean? Obnoxious?!)
And as much as I read into these "symptoms" I also deny them and move on. And I count my cycle days and I promise myself - really promise myself, that I won't test this month until day 35, because my mind can't take another negative. Will I survive? Yeah. Will I cry? Maybe. Will I completely lose it just like last month? Absolutely. And you know what? That was really exhausting. I'm going to work on patience and will power this month.

I am presently in that week right now. And I am working on my will power and patience and pushing optimism and pessimism out of the way.
I am holding my breath and also letting it go.
I am promising not to test until the 35th day and I am shaking my head every time I think about testing.
I am telling myself not to think of baby elephants - pink or blue, even though I know that it is my nature to constantly think about them. I am not chastising myself for thinking of it. I catch a thought or a moment of pain or a beat of optimism and I let it go....
And that's a pretty big accomplishment right now.