Words

We went out last night.

That's right, I stayed true to one of my resolutions already, though it is most definitely an ongoing one. I said "yes" even when the thought of going out made me so bone weary tired that I just wanted to crawl back into bed. Even when the excuses were easily on my tongue (the flu is going around, LB has school tomorrow, I'm still battling this cold, I'm exhausted...etc etc.) And you know what? It was great!
I peeled off my worn pajamas, took a hot shower and put on make up and real clothes. It felt normal and real and right. It was just a super bowl party at my moms friends house (actually, the old neighborhood house - with people that had watched me and helped me grow from a toddling baby to an awkward teenager and to the woman  I am now.) It was a good first step. We successfully maneuvered the world of going out with two kids and all it entails (2 sets of extra clothes, pajamas, cloth diapers, toys, burp rags, etc etc) One parent entertaining and watching after Lily and the other holding Evelyn - or keeping a hawk eye on anyone else holding her.
And last night the main question was,

"So, how is life with two?"

This coming from veteran parents. Parents with their kids in college or beyond. And all I could do was look at them with a smile and nod and say, "you know, it's just different." I think they caught me on a good day, because most days I would've broken down crying "It's impossible! I'm so tired. I can't do this! How do you balance!?" 

Oh balance. How do you balance? How do you make the mental shift from talking to and caring for a 4 year old to cooing and nursing a newborn? How do you have the energy to do all that you used to do with your first born when you're up all night with the second? And how do you take care of this newborn when you know your four year old is begging for attention? 

I'm still figuring this out. Some days I think I can do it - I can "oh" and "ah" over all of Lily's adventures and achievements. I can get down on the floor and play barbie dream house. I can pretend and draw and paint and sing all while nursing and changing and rocking. 

These days will get easier and more often. And hopefully I won't always feel so exhausted doing it all, and I will find balance between Lily, Evelyn and myself. It's a learning curve. And I do need to take a look at my resolutions again and remember my last one, to give myself a break. Because, believe it or not  (not much of a shocker here) but I've also been dealing with guilt.

Guilt over not being back to the mommy Lily is used to. Not being back to the wife Den is used to. Not having stamina to get all the errands done. Not being patient enough or kind enough or happy enough. Not getting the kitchen cleaned and the clothes done. 

And you know what I'm starting to learn? I may never be the mom or wife or person that I was before Evelyn came. I'm not supposed to. My life is different. My life is better! I am the mother of two daughters and right now they need two different sets of skills from me and you know what? I can do both sets of skills because I am their mother. It's not always going to be easy or pretty or perfect, but they will have what they need from me. I just need to give myself time to adjust and grow into this new role. And I need to cut out the guilt ;-)